A review one month on..
Sunday, April 6, 2014
It's been slightly more than a month since things really happened. I've been talking to many, many people about what had happened and gotten many many differing views on how the situation's like and how each person would approach it. But perhaps it would be more prudent to talk about my mistakes lest I make them again.
I think I started to like K really early on in May last year. I've always fancied her, but it was her who started to talk to me and share things with me. On hindsight, the WA chats overseas, first when she sent photos of her and her two brothers, and then the almost daily chats with her when I was in Europe really pushed things forward for me. This was mistake #1. I let myself get ahead too far and started really liking her just because she said "I'll love you always (as a friend)". I didn't understand the circumstances in which the statement was made at that time; her trouble relationship with her ex made her want comfort from the people around her. Mistake number 1 was thinking that I am wanted. That was already bad because I assumed expectations early on. The witty chats then were pretty amazing though. It showed chemistry between us but I really should have expected nothing more than being good friends at that point. I think I realised I liked her when I felt so nervous meeting her on a Friday during one of the first weeks of IA. Behaviour was pretty fine, except that I expected too much.
Ironically this is the problem with ENFPs, we put in so much and smother the other person with so much affection and love we begin to neglect ourselves and what we are comfortable with. Those were mistakes #2 and #3. Mistake two was not giving her enough space. The thing about this was that I put in way too much effort in things while expecting a high level of reciprocation in return, that gave rise to plenty of problems along the way. There were two other periods where we didn't really talk because K was scared of the way I did things. Again this went back to mistake #1 of expectations. I really needed to treat her equally as I would treat my other friends. Perhaps maybe just a tad bit special since she was closer to me but that's it.
Mistake three was neglecting myself and not being natural in my behaviour. During my period of infatuation I really changed my lifestyle a lot. Some were good, many were bad. My primary motivation for exercising at that time was really to feel good and keep up with her. It was so K-focused that jogging and exercising harder, better, faster were focused on her. "KH you have to overcome this, K would do the same in your position." Thoughts like that were common whenever I struggled to run faster and further. Another one would really be drinking bubble tea or eating finger food. I would start thinking "K doesn't like to spend money on such things so I shall not too." My justification was that I was saving money anyway. Either way, the problem associated with this was really just putting her in the center of my life. Bad, bad idea. I should have been myself, and need not bother about what she would do or what she thought if I wanted to do things. I should have been myself, behaving naturally me and not changing myself in these little little ways to mimic her or try to align myself with all her expectations and behaviour.
Mistake #4 was letting her set the pace. But it was created because I wanted to please her so much I let her have her way. I should have said on many many occasions but my feelings overwhelmed me and I gave in.
She made many mistakes too. Giving in so much to her feelings and always not thinking before she dives so deep into something. Capable, but totally not in control of her feelings and behaviour. But I can't change that, so in the end it's a matter of observing her weaknesses and improving on myself in an honest way.
So the question remains: what now? I don't think I've ever liked anyone so much before and I still like her very much. It was a pretty magical thing for me to see all the little things add up. I think the best thing to do now is to move forward. If she appears on my radar again one day, then I shall approach things in a different way. But all these God be willing.
Patience. Self-control. Be gentle.
I think I started to like K really early on in May last year. I've always fancied her, but it was her who started to talk to me and share things with me. On hindsight, the WA chats overseas, first when she sent photos of her and her two brothers, and then the almost daily chats with her when I was in Europe really pushed things forward for me. This was mistake #1. I let myself get ahead too far and started really liking her just because she said "I'll love you always (as a friend)". I didn't understand the circumstances in which the statement was made at that time; her trouble relationship with her ex made her want comfort from the people around her. Mistake number 1 was thinking that I am wanted. That was already bad because I assumed expectations early on. The witty chats then were pretty amazing though. It showed chemistry between us but I really should have expected nothing more than being good friends at that point. I think I realised I liked her when I felt so nervous meeting her on a Friday during one of the first weeks of IA. Behaviour was pretty fine, except that I expected too much.
Ironically this is the problem with ENFPs, we put in so much and smother the other person with so much affection and love we begin to neglect ourselves and what we are comfortable with. Those were mistakes #2 and #3. Mistake two was not giving her enough space. The thing about this was that I put in way too much effort in things while expecting a high level of reciprocation in return, that gave rise to plenty of problems along the way. There were two other periods where we didn't really talk because K was scared of the way I did things. Again this went back to mistake #1 of expectations. I really needed to treat her equally as I would treat my other friends. Perhaps maybe just a tad bit special since she was closer to me but that's it.
Mistake three was neglecting myself and not being natural in my behaviour. During my period of infatuation I really changed my lifestyle a lot. Some were good, many were bad. My primary motivation for exercising at that time was really to feel good and keep up with her. It was so K-focused that jogging and exercising harder, better, faster were focused on her. "KH you have to overcome this, K would do the same in your position." Thoughts like that were common whenever I struggled to run faster and further. Another one would really be drinking bubble tea or eating finger food. I would start thinking "K doesn't like to spend money on such things so I shall not too." My justification was that I was saving money anyway. Either way, the problem associated with this was really just putting her in the center of my life. Bad, bad idea. I should have been myself, and need not bother about what she would do or what she thought if I wanted to do things. I should have been myself, behaving naturally me and not changing myself in these little little ways to mimic her or try to align myself with all her expectations and behaviour.
Mistake #4 was letting her set the pace. But it was created because I wanted to please her so much I let her have her way. I should have said on many many occasions but my feelings overwhelmed me and I gave in.
She made many mistakes too. Giving in so much to her feelings and always not thinking before she dives so deep into something. Capable, but totally not in control of her feelings and behaviour. But I can't change that, so in the end it's a matter of observing her weaknesses and improving on myself in an honest way.
So the question remains: what now? I don't think I've ever liked anyone so much before and I still like her very much. It was a pretty magical thing for me to see all the little things add up. I think the best thing to do now is to move forward. If she appears on my radar again one day, then I shall approach things in a different way. But all these God be willing.
Patience. Self-control. Be gentle.
Labels: Life
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