Amidst the turbulent murkiness that is my thoughts, the distilled emotion that I can draw from my emotions thus far is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the uncertain, fear that reality does not align to my expectations. Ultimately it boils down to life. We advance from one stage of life to another. And along the way we make friends, and as we move on, these bonds ultimately have to weaken as people just move on to doing different things. Some of these friendships and relationships are fine to be weakened; they weren't good in the first place. But what is sad is the good ones that ultimately have to be weakened, just by virtue that less time is spent together. Now, friendships don't necessarily weaken just because good friends spend less time with each other. But the fact remains that friendships need constant nurturing, like watering a plant, or feeding a baby. Without this constant attention, growth won't be ideal, in fact it will stagnate and deteriorate, even if the friendship is mature and strong.

Having said that, it is my fear that my friends around me drift apart as time passes. In my emotional self last night, I found that I had no one to turn to. No one to talk to. Why? Why has it become that it is just so hard to ask someone out? Is it because of the friends I have? Is it because I have not nurtured the friendship well enough? Is it because of the irony of life? Is it because of all of the above?

So what if I found a good job then? Yes it is necessary. But without good company to share my joy with me, what good is money? What good is an expensive car? What good is a large house? What good are luxury goods? Money is only useful if it is spent, and spent well to bring joy to the people around you, close or less close. Ah, life is such an ironical thing. We go to work and earn money, but we lose the quality of friendships. What a saddening thing.

So, in this chaos that is running inside my head, as can be seen by the extremely disjointed flow of what I am typing now, I feel fear. Fear that I cannot glue my friends sufficiently close to me. Fear that I am actually just an inept person who cannot develop good friendships. Fear that I cannot share the joy of friendship with my friends. Fear of that uncertainty. And yes, this is my anxious nature manifesting itself. I am weak after all.

In this time of uncertainty, where do I go? What do I do? How can I trust God that His promises will never fail, and that they will come true. How can I increase my faith? Doubting is sinful, how can I doubt God, who fulfils His Word, answers my prayers, is unchanging, and never deceives us, but always protects us and gives the best to us? Why do I doubt that my prayers and desires are not what is expected? Why do I doubt that I am unable to carry though a season of waiting? How do I stand strong in God though my own tough times, when my emotions are in a turmoil, conflicting each other at several points?

I need to pray more. || posted by Kuan Hui