The pressures of wanting to achieve something are piling up on me, making me feel by the day, more anxious than ever to want to get a job, a good job, and then start carving my mark out of it. This perhaps, is exacerbated by people around me who are achieving things and doing things that are productive and useful, and on their way in creating mini-legacies for themselves. On the other hand, I feel unproductive, extremely unproductive, not doing any proper job. My only defense is that I am currently editing JC Ryle's Expository on Luke and converting it into ebook format, and also to upload these daily expository entries to my church's website. Nonetheless, it feels highly unproductive, and I feel like I am not headed anywhere in achieving things.

Perhaps this is the biggest failure of myself. I am seeing my work as a highest calling, as unproductive and heading nowhere. I am doing work for our Lord and Saviour, and yet I feel unhappy that I am not achieving anything, when in reality, my work can be used in the future, not just now in the church, benefitting many people in mankind's most important objective: to know God better and to evangelise people to Him. I am ashamed that my inner feelings are calling out and craving for worldly achievements which get corrupted and rusted in due time, when heavenly things are playing second fiddle to these worldly desires. And, it's not like I am not learning as I edit, this editing has been an extraordinarily edifying journey for me as well.

It is disappointing when I measure and compare myself to worldly yardsticks, and compare myself to people around me, feeling the pressure to perform as well. It is a sin, as this is coveteousness, and it is a stark reminder of how we sin daily, even though we try not to, and that we deserve nothing but hell. It puts into perspective Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, for my sins. He knew even then, that I today, would sin this way, and that "I knew not I was doing". This attention to my personal shortcomings and sins, I cannot fathom how deep it is, and how much unchanging love He has for me. And perhaps, I am writing this to remind myself of my place in the world, to wait for my perfect time, to set our standards to things in heaven, and not feel inadequate because of worldly things. I am writing this to remind myself to lean unto God, to walk by faith and not by sight. And I hope one day I will read this again and remind myself not to cling on to worldly things, but hold them loosely. || posted by Kuan Hui