Yesterday has been a particularly tiring day for me. I felt extremely suffocated and stifled, as if I was in a locked room with an atmosphere that was so thick I could have drowned in it. Going back home and doing a run and some exercise helped a little, but I still had that suffocating feeling. Sleeping helped a little more too, but ultimately the feeling did not go away. Why was I experiencing something foreign, something unpleasant out of a sudden?

I prayed to God, asking that He take away this sensation of discomfort, this sensation to which I could not even pinpoint where the source was from. And, thank God, as I left for my MINDEF interview this afternoon, I stumbled upon an article that on Facebook that a friend shared that managed to send fresh air my way, so I could breathe again. So timely was this that I cannot help but agree that it was God who led me to the reading of that article.

Simply put, my problems stemmed from the same issue that I always had all along. Perhaps worsened by the fact I was bullied since young and I desperately sought affirmation from the people around me. It led me back to looking at the problems I always had, even in my university days. With Mun Wee, I wanted more of her attention and care on me, I wanted affirmation and good words. With Kristyn, I wanted her to profess what she liked about me, and I'd get worried if I didn't get these words after a while. Rationally I knew my wants were unreasonable, and that my anxiety towards that aspect was unwarranted, and unhealthy, and completely irrational. Nonetheless, I still felt insecure in that manner. Yesterday's suffocating mood was no different. I wanted more affirmation in the things I did. I felt things were probably going nowhere, with conversations having no meaningful or valuable content to talk about, with work (Fun Bin) seemingly going no where. With my life seemingly becoming stale with (momentarily) a very small social circle. I craved that people connection, to break the monotony and the lack of progress of everything. In my very words I said to Bernard as we left AMK, I wanted to watch the world burn as I suddenly started disliking every human construct that there was.

The article brought to light of me being a needy individual. This was the core of my being, my tendency, my natural state. It was me being ENFP, but it was my weakness, a large one at that. Emotionally secure individuals, regardless of relationship or friendship, are not needy to the point that they want these constant affirmations, whether if it is by word, or by behaviour. They have the assurance that the person still treasures him or her without needing to show an explicit form of affirmation. My need for this explicit form is my weakness, and this can be changed through adopting a positive mindset, something Dun Jie told me a couple of months back. I cannot change the way other people deal with me, but I can change my mindset to deal with them. I should not let my emotional need for affection cloud my rational thinking and judgement, that perhaps the other person has other things on hand to deal with, that perhaps the other person manifests his or her love in a different love language, that perhaps the other person tends to be more introverted, that perhaps I am too negative at that point in time to focus on all the positive, lovely things that the other person has ever done for me, so much so that actually the person loves me way way more than I realise it.

In Luke 4:29 & 30, Jesus, after having preached in his hometown of Nazareth, was thrust out of the town by the people, as they refused to believe that a boy who lived in the town could be the Messiah. Jesus simply left Nazareth and went to Capernaum. He was thrown out and almost killed by the townspeople whom you grew up with, and to receive all the hatred and wrath of the people. Yet he persevered on, and continued about His work. What an amazing conduct and example. No doubt He adopted a positive mindset despite the hurt He must have felt after having experienced something akin to having your family disown you.

My needy nature needs to go, it needs to be transformed into a more secure attitude in life, where I do not need constant words and actions of affirmation and love. I need to do more, do better, and strengthen a positive mindset. I need to learn not to immediately focus on the negatives the moment I encounter something that affects me emotionally to a great degree. I need to focus on the positives, and better handle the things that affect me the most.

Thank God for the timely article, and the timely editing of Luke 4, without which I would have not come to this important realisation. Now I can breathe easier. || posted by Kuan Hui