Saturday, October 4, 2014
Felt particularly frustrated cooped up at home, my emotions and feelings went haywire and are in a mess. So I decided to take a midnight (morning) walk to the Serangoon Park Connector. Along the way I tried to sort out my thinking, and talk to myself, and God.
To be honest, I still feel that the 'problem' hasn't been solved, although I am much calmer now. That being said, I still am jealous of people around me who seem to have endless contacts, people who seem to meet others easily. And on my side, extroverted as I am, almost no one ever bothers to initiate a conversation with me. It kind of made me feel like if I suddenly disappeared off this face of this earth, no one would notice anyway. That got me very irritated. For all the effort I put in into building friendships, no one bothers to reciprocate to my level. Perhaps such is the fickleness of human nature. That's how ugly humans are, and this is their natural state. Humans are born bad, selfish, and terrible. Which is why my 'problem' isn't solved.
But perhaps it isn't a 'problem' at all. Perhaps it's a matter of perspective. If you can't change things as they are, then why bother? Why struggle so hard and get frustrated over things you can't change? Sure, it isn't particularly easy for someone like me who values friendships above everything else. And I will regularly fall back into the rut of, "Screw this, I hate people, people are terrible and just don't bother to reconnect."
I certainly am guilty of it as well. So I don't have much rights myself to start hating others. But I do try sometimes. Perhaps, maybe, I should just try to reconnect with someone I haven't talked to in a long time, maybe one person a week or something. Haikal made a good point, just go talk to Florence. Yeah, maybe I'll just do that, even though it sucks to always be the one initiating conversations. (Or maybe I'm just seeing it from my biased perspective. Nah, probably not. I do put in more effort than my friends most of the time.)
And I still do feel extremely inferior to other people. Times like this I feel like a real loser with no friends, no money, no job. Like that poor man Lazarus in Luke 16. || posted by Kuan Hui
To be honest, I still feel that the 'problem' hasn't been solved, although I am much calmer now. That being said, I still am jealous of people around me who seem to have endless contacts, people who seem to meet others easily. And on my side, extroverted as I am, almost no one ever bothers to initiate a conversation with me. It kind of made me feel like if I suddenly disappeared off this face of this earth, no one would notice anyway. That got me very irritated. For all the effort I put in into building friendships, no one bothers to reciprocate to my level. Perhaps such is the fickleness of human nature. That's how ugly humans are, and this is their natural state. Humans are born bad, selfish, and terrible. Which is why my 'problem' isn't solved.
But perhaps it isn't a 'problem' at all. Perhaps it's a matter of perspective. If you can't change things as they are, then why bother? Why struggle so hard and get frustrated over things you can't change? Sure, it isn't particularly easy for someone like me who values friendships above everything else. And I will regularly fall back into the rut of, "Screw this, I hate people, people are terrible and just don't bother to reconnect."
I certainly am guilty of it as well. So I don't have much rights myself to start hating others. But I do try sometimes. Perhaps, maybe, I should just try to reconnect with someone I haven't talked to in a long time, maybe one person a week or something. Haikal made a good point, just go talk to Florence. Yeah, maybe I'll just do that, even though it sucks to always be the one initiating conversations. (Or maybe I'm just seeing it from my biased perspective. Nah, probably not. I do put in more effort than my friends most of the time.)
And I still do feel extremely inferior to other people. Times like this I feel like a real loser with no friends, no money, no job. Like that poor man Lazarus in Luke 16. || posted by Kuan Hui
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