It has been a tough time these few months for me. No doubt my emotions have been at its lowest and most unstable recently. And my decision making and thought processes haven't been at their best. I am very much less confident now about many things as of late, doubting my capabilities, yet wanting to get recognised and still please people.

Not surprisingly my desire to want to get a job has been becoming increasingly desperate. It is as if getting a good job is a panacea to all the problems I currently face. Naturally this train of thought is wrong, because it has no element of God in it. And I am following a non sequitur logical fallacy.

At any rate, I shouldn't be feeling inferior to the people around me. I shouldn't be having these thoughts that I am not good enough. A good friend of mine told me just now that such thoughts are not God-given, but constructed by the devil to increase my own vulnerabilities. In a practical sense, it is what dJ, has talked to me about. "Yes, don't you know all your friends are very capable? But that doesn't mean you aren't. What if your feelings of inferiority are because your opportunities haven't arrived yet? Don't make that inferiority a self-fulfilling prophecy." Indeed so. In my mind my solution to the lack of confidence is getting a good job, yet that won't solve my more fundamental problems. I need to take a step back every time I think this way, be more meta cognitive about myself, and realise that I cannot worry about the things I cannot change, but instead be of good cheer, because the Lord has His right time for me.


Addendum: Well I just gave a pep talk to a guy who pretty much suffers from the same problem as I am. And its funny how I can see my own flaws analytically when I view them from a third person perspective, yet find it so extremely hard to divorce it from my own emotions when I myself am in the thick of the emotional trap I laid for myself. In a nutshell, I am an individual who is extremely emotional, and inordinately impatient to try correct my mistakes or perceived mistakes. When I make a mistake or find myself in a situation where I am helpless and unable to change things, I get impatient to want to do something to change that flaw. Of course such situations are not easily changed, or changed overnight. It requires a lot of gradual improvements and changes over time. Nonetheless, in the heat of such feelings, I do something, and pay more dearly for it. I think this shows that I perceive myself to be inferior and I hate it, so I want to change the situation immediately. Well, it then takes a lot to relinquish that control over my destiny and hand it over to God, for Him to dictate and develop me.

Still an extremely huge problem for me, and one that batters my self-image every day, especially during this period where I think I'm feeling low more often than not. || posted by Kuan Hui