Loving and hating are emotions that tend to be really incongruous, almost opposites (but not quite). I think these emotions are what sum up my Saturday mornings and early afternoons the past four weeks.

As much as SY's business start-up work is something I don't feel strongly for, and even felt rather cheated at doing, the PACT pre-incubator course that I have been in has been one heck of a journey so far. The things taught in that course are so relevant and so effective that it changes your entire thinking process as long as you consciously remember to apply them. At the heart of the lessons learnt are skills that maximise efficiency and allow you to delve into yourself and discover what strengths and weaknesses you have. The skills taught are so relevant and useful to the things you do in your daily life, unlike in school where you are taught a ton of things which you won't really be directly applying. But that's just the start.

The largest part of why I hate (using this word for dramatic effect) this course is that I am made to feel really uncomfortable as I push my boundaries outwards and discover more things. When you are a 25-year old person in there with no working or practical experience, and the people around you are either high-flying and successful individuals in their thirties who hold titles of Director of Strategy (at a big firm), or some Lead Planner at some world-renowned beauty product brand, or you have people younger than you who have started their businesses and have twenty to thirty men working for you, it becomes a whole different game. You watch and observe the topics they speak, the content that is put forth, the demeanour in which they carry themselves, and you think, "Oh man, I am indeed the smallest fry in the house with nothing I can offer back at them." You feel so out of place and wonder why you are even there or selected, having no ideas or a passionate enough drive to be there.

So all these boil down to the love and hate I have for my Saturday mornings now. On one hand I am really absorbing all the practical skills which I am going to take to my workplace, and networking and learning in ways that are humbling. But on the other hand, being the smallest fish in the pond, the newest kid on the block, the leech which has nothing really good to offer back, is an uncomfortable (hence hate) experience which I really rather not go through. And perhaps beyond that, the idea that the business idea that "I" have is really not mine but SY's, that I feel like I have no ownership and thus less passion about it, also becomes a stumbling block as I struggle to share the enthusiasm that the rest of the participants have.

Well, I'm certainly feeling quite blessed that I am participating in such a course, free of charge too. From a slightly different perspective, I am very glad that this course has opened my eyes to the dynamicity of an environment which freely throws out ideas and shares them as if they have nothing to lose, and in a sincere manner. I don't doubt God's timeliness in providing me with such a course, and at such short notice too (barely one day). And it makes me reflect deeply on how God's promises never fail and that the strongest desires that I have (in a righteous, God-honouring way), will be fulfilled at the right time. All I have to do is keep my faith burning bright, and lean upon the Lord. || posted by Kuan Hui