The weeks go by really quickly, but I'm glad there are lessons learnt over the course of the week. The quarreling with MW was certainly spotlight of the week, but Saturday proved to be a good day where we finally managed to get down and air our grievances and problems from the root. Thank God that there was such an opportunity, and thank God that the pre-incubator had led me to this stage of healing and recovery. MW reminded me that I am someone who craves to be THE spotlight of my closest friends. That is partially right after thinking deeper. I do crave special attention from my closest friends and family. I want to feel special and irreplaceable, and I will do a lot to get to that point. I am the portrait of a Type 2 in enneagram theory. It certainly is a weakness to continuously crave such attention from my close friends, as it tires them out, and it tires me out when I don't get sufficient reciprocation. Rudi made a very good point on Saturday over a short chat. He mentioned that since I was more self-aware of my weakness, I now have the power to be responsible for my character and learn the other enneagram types and subtypes, so that even if I cannot change my core character, I would be able to better understand other people and know how to better manage myself and the things that get me worried and insecure. I won't obsess too much over the enneagram thing, but it is clear I know better how to manage and regulate my insecurities and weaknesses in a practical manner, which God has revealed to me over the past few weeks.

Church today was a busy affair. I was doing ushering duties, leading for my Sunday school, and had to do a briefing and the logistics for the Youth Camp. During fellowship time though, Isabelle and Isaac's dad came up to me and we started discussing about the Bible. He was pointing out a few verses in the Bible and asking me questions which questioned my understanding of God's word.

"But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law." (Galatians 5:18) He asked me what did the law refer to. My answer was the laws of God, i.e. the Mosaic Laws, the Ten Commandments. He then showed me the next verse, "Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:" (Philippians 3:8-9)

Now he asked me to differentiate the two types of righteousness as described in this verse. This got me a little stuck in trying to explain the differences in the two verses and the law which God set. What being "under the law" and "having mine own righteousness" means is simply the righteousness in ourselves in following the Ten Commandments. We are righteous because we follow them, it benefits us. But we will never be able to keep the Ten Commandments, we will break it undoubtedly and break it all the time, so our own personal righteousness is as good as "filthy rags". Instead, Christ's righteousness is imputed to us by His sacrifice on the cross, and we will have it as long as we believe in Him and have faith, because He is the perfect man and perfect God, and this is why we are completely unable to save ourselves but through faith.

Hearing this elegant response explained to me made me realise I am just a mere infant in the knowledge of the word. And the silent, creeping thoughts of "I know quite a bit already", this complacency, have suddenly been revealed to me and with no doubt, God is showing me that I have much to learn, and a lot to remain humble about. It is also a strong reminder of how my own thoughts of "I think I'm quite good today." is completely irrelevant because my 'righteousness' cannot save me in the least bit. I think it is a good reminder that God has presented to me today, and to remember to keep seeking Him first, putting Him first and trusting Him with all my heart in everything. Family and friends may come a close second, but God must always be in the centrepiece of my life. God is certainly telling me that although my close friends are my most precious things in my earthly life, I must never forget to put Him first and seek His kingdom and His righteousness first.

There is simply so much to learn about the word, and to be reminded that we should always examine ourselves for complacency. I shall remember to show it tomorrow as Youth Camp approaches. My God is my all. || posted by Kuan Hui