The past week or so has afforded me a little bit of time to study what makes me dislike my job so much. Is it because I am pampered and too idealistic about work? Is it because of the long hours? Is it because I have no appreciation of IT systems? Isolating these factors alone allowed me to see (partially) what has made me dislike where I am so much.

I never knew I valued my own time so much. Working till 9 to 10 pm every day, when it isn't even the peak period has allowed me to understand why the extra few hours between knocking off at 6 and 9 makes. I find it hard to meet up with friends, I have trouble going for prayer meetings, I have so little personal time for myself to rest and recharge, and most of all (for now), I cannot take the long hours past 6 pm when I'm working non-stop since morning.

I never knew how much IT systems was such a turn off to me. The programming logic behind these systems, its intangibility, and its rigidity has made me so hard, so different from organic human interactions, so different from variations in real-life engineering situations. It perhaps, is the furthest cry from what I would like to do.

I never knew I had delusions about work. Perhaps this is what I fear the most and I hope the strongest that I am wrong. I fear that my desire not to work and be tied down to an office space will make me dislike work wherever I go. Pampered.

Will I be happy if I worked on IT systems till 6 pm instead of 9? It would be more palatable but still pretty abhorrent to me. Will I be happy if I worked till 9, on things that I liked? It sounds a little more interesting at first but the lack of free time for myself again turns me off. What if I eliminated both these factors, leaving just the third one? How would I feel? Better, no doubt. But extremely fearful that I'm just a lazy good-for-nothing.

Nonetheless, work is work, and God has taught me a very huge lesson this time round. I'm tasting the bitter pill that prestige is a false god, and I should never even try to chase it. I'm tasting the bitter pill that the temptation of money is a truly strong sin. I'm being taught what I value most in my life, and how they should come first. I have come face to face that prayer meetings should not be an excuse that I should quit my job, because my heart is more concerned about having free time, rather than going for prayer meetings and honouring Him: that I should never use God as a form of excuse, no matter how small, to justify myself. And I believe, in not the least, that I am being taught to have humility and patience. In GSK rejecting me for the Future Leaders Programme, I am left with working in a place where I dislike, future unknown, struggling to last one day at a time. I'm praying hard to get a job that is more reasonable to my needs and wants, and yet I have no idea about what is going to happen in the future.

"Boast not thyself of to morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth." (Proverbs 27:1)

I am being taught, in a harsh way, how to rely on God, for His sustenance daily on me, for His time where He will show me an open door. And yet it is so tough to submit to Him fully trusting. Doubts are abound in every direction, whispering and telling me to throw in the towel. And I look at myself and ask, am I that weak and pampered and self-entitled? Surely not? My place has a 40% turnover rate, many of the people I speak to are thinking of leaving. How do I grow stronger and overcome all these?

And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. 21 Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting. (Matthew 17:20-21)

I am very thankful for God's daily graces and the messages He has entrusted upon me. I have my answers on what to do: prayer. And yet it is still so difficult. And so I really hope to see a positive change soon, some how, some way. || posted by Kuan Hui