It's almost the weekend, and the week has passed by the fastest it has been thus far. Being able to go home earlier this week has certainly made the weekdays less fatigue-inducing, but perhaps too many things have happened over the past few days.

I had a bit of a breakdown on Tuesday night. My insecurities broke through and I lashed out at poor Amanda. I had ran out of patience and energy to wait. Every consecutive disappointment that I have gotten over the past few months after a build-up of hope made me frustrated, and I ranted angrily at God. I felt like Elijah, who had to run away from Jezebel after his victory against the prophets of Baal. I did not want to enter a situation where I could get hurt and disappointed once again. It ever seemed like I was dropped consecutively after steadily riding up a roller coaster. I asked God about the impasse, and told Him I am tired and I did not want to wait and hope and prepare for disappointment any longer. But I could not run and be angry for more than 24 hours.

Prayer meeting on Wednesday was on the topic of God the Father and why He is fit to have the title Father. I was still hurtful and sulking over the pain that I had been dealt with, and so for the first time in prayer meeting, I did not have the energy to pray for others. Quiet prayer with the Lord was one of reluctant prayer, it was me being sulky in prayer. As prayer meeting ended, I did not know what would come after.

Moments of epiphany come rarely, but on Wednesday they came freely. God revealed to me why He is a loving Father. Pastor asked me if I wanted dinner, so I said okay since I don't really have time for dinners before prayer meeting. This was only the second time I've ever had dinner with him ever after prayer meeting, and I've gone for close to 9 months of prayer meetings. During the car ride there, I posed a question "How do Christians deal with disappointments? Should we even have the hope and expectation?" And that was the start of a 1.5 hour long sharing session. We discussed about having expectations, about rewards on earth, about the fear of the unknown future, about perseverance, about spiritual leadership. If I did not understand what it means to put God first, and cast aside all idols in our hearts, I now understand a little of what that means. If I did not have sufficient strength to persevere on, I now understand the tall order of serving God and being weary on the road less travelled. If I did not understand how to trust God despite how murky and fearful the future is, I now understand a little how He always guides us to green pastures and still waters. If I did not understand how tough it takes to be a spiritual leader, I now understand a little of how such a noble goal of becoming one makes life have meaning many times over. If I feared that I would be shortchanged and my life on earth would be tough and that I am unable to rest my head in some comfort, I now understand that God never shortchanges us, and I will get my hundredfold reward even in this time on earth. And as I walked home after my pastor sent me home for the first time, tears overcame me, because I was struck with the revelation that God was speaking to me truly through my pastor. No prompting, and yet everything that was discussed spoke of the burdens of my heart.

I am still afraid of disappointment and rejection, especially with my current emotions that open up like a raw wound, and I rather not go through another bout of rejection. But somehow despite all that there's a certain transformative peace that I have in my heart now, perhaps a quiet confidence in the Lord, tiny as it is. It is my heart's alignment to putting God first somehow, and I've never actually understood this till yesterday.

Orica and PCS interviews are coming up, and there's a greater fear this time round doubtlessly. Work has still been uncomfortable as well, but Joy has been such a nice person to me. This is perhaps the first time I have felt like I am taken care of at work, amidst the arrogance of many colleagues, the harsh culture of the workplace, and the relentless amount of work I have to do. Joy has been someone who has made me feel comfortable, safe in the fact that I am not being judged and that I am being supported. What an amazing feeling to experience in an environment that treats me harshly, especially as I am in such an environment for extended period of times. Joy is like an elder sister whom I've never had, being my senior of 7 years, and, I guess, for her to open up even a little to me this way, is a clear situation of God working His mercies into my life, especially knowing I need that respite from the hostile environment that I face daily.

Perhaps that was why I broke down on Tuesday, and already on Thursday, God has answered by providing. I get goosebumps just by thinking about it. || posted by Kuan Hui