There are few things which I worry constantly throughout a large portion of my life. One of the chiefest is my desire to fit in and be acknowledged. I have a quirky and weird nature, and I believe many would not really appreciate the type of personality I possess on a deeper level, something which in my perception, perhaps through confirmation bias, that I find rather true to this day. In simple terms, I've always been a little different, and while I am oftentimes happy to be different, I still seek my desire to fit in, be acknowledged by my peers. A larger portion of my goals, while they are partly of interest since I really do love the world around me and how it works, revolve around proving myself to others, and accomplishing something just so that I can say, "I have done it, just like you."

What's surprising is that at my age, I am still experiencing these same needs. They're almost basics needs of all people, and I don't doubt many others will feel the same needs and wants, perhaps or perhaps not at the intensities that I am experiencing. That's why giving up a golden opportunity to the EAS Congress hurts so much. It is as if I missed out on a big chance, to prove to myself and to others I can do it too. Giving it up to the Lord is a very tough thing, even though I do not understand fully why I must do so, and there is really no need to do so. I know God will honour me for what I have done, but at this moment, I am filled with a sense of relief, a sense of regret, and also for the greater part, a sense of fatigue. It is a struggle to take up the cross daily, especially when taking up the cross means to leave what is dear behind, and looking forward to an unknown and uncertain path. On good days I have the energy to follow with gusto, but on bad days like today, every step forward is filled with doubt and thoughts of giving up and throwing the cross down. I exaggerate.

It feels really lonely. To find hardly another than empathises with me, and to find peers that truly understand my struggles and spiritual battles. In church it is lonely to walk in front, young and inexperienced, without peers to walk by my side. I desire gravely for someone whom I can share this burden (selfish I know), peers who walk beside me and grow with me, and moments of ease and laughter without the need to feel I am always holding up a weight.

"Better the whole world against you but God for you, than the whole world with you but God against you."

Today I understand that a little better. || posted by Kuan Hui