I'm sitting at the level 2 food court of Asia Square, my first time here. This place is quiet and spacious, a welcome change from the cramp and packed conditions that so easily characterise Singapore. It's been a while since I've enjoyed solitude. The past few weeks have been difficult for me. Loneliness continues to permeate through my emotions at various points of the day, and most poignantly at night. Truth be told, there have been many things and many experiences in my heart which I have longed to share with someone who understands. Yet now have I no such one. Speaking to God through my prayers, sometimes in reverence, sometimes in distress, sometimes with sincere thankfulness, occasionally with a little frivolity (as with how a friend communicates), has been a continuously edifying and blessed experience. Yet I know in my heart I deeply need a companion who can walk beside me, whom I can share, because it is good (to have a help-meet). And so the sense of loneliness comes forth from this want, and being an overly emotional being, perhaps far too much so, especially for a man, this brings along with it intense emotions of gloom and embarrassment. Embarrassment because as a man, he is head of the house and the family, and he ought to bring such unruly emotions into rein. Gloom because with such sensitive nerve ends, the pain is quite real and raw. And there have been times, many times where these low points have brought out emotional outbursts. Or to put it in a plainer form, they are "Hey look here and notice me, I am hurt so come help me!" emotional episodes which momentarily grant me some reprieve, but ultimately makes me yet more frustrated at my lack of emotional control, negative perspective of life, and how I have negatively affected others. It is a feeling of regret.

The music continues to play in the background, the high ceiling and beautiful lights, the quiet and spacious ambience, the almost classy feel, they remind me of a nostalgic time in my childhood, where I wandered the long pathways of the old IMM, the wide viewing decks of the airport. The space and emptiness of it all which I so dearly love are comforting in their own right, and this has offered me a much needed respite from my personal gloom. Do I see the gloom going away? No, it's hard to see the end of the tunnel, especially not knowing when this season of waiting will conclude. Am I going to continue to feel them? Yes, I don't think I can escape my wonderfully- and fearfully-made emotions. But I do need to get stronger and have more faith in the promises of God, that he will never, no never, no never leave me nor forsake me. He is the same yesterday, today, forever. His love for me never changes, and I have to redouble my strength in placing my faith in Him, and pray that I fall not into despair.

And as I type all these in this quiet time I have in solitude with myself (instead of a time of loneliness with myself), the food court has slowly started to get more packed as the 7pm crowd comes in. Maybe another article or two from Bible Witness, before I head for prayer meeting in the new Downtown Line. Thank God. || posted by Kuan Hui