Friday, June 3, 2016
Pre-travel jitters, exacerbated by a fear that my joints will hurt and I'll suffer, combined by a feeling of loneliness and want does not make for a good combination. The colour not only seems to seep away from the world, but there appears an invisible weight on you, pressing down on your heart, creating a suffocating feeling that overwhelms you, as if you are in a dark sink, unable to get out.
My emotions today are the same as they were 1.5 years ago. I still pine, I still desire, to have that special connection, to have that acknowledgement. To be able to sit down and share my thoughts with a companion who will just listen and smile, and then nod her head in understanding. A companion who will point out laterally the thoughts that I am missing out on, ironing them out neatly and presenting it back to me in a way that tells me, "Hey, you already know all of this. But I'm here for you."
Walking the Christian path is not an easy route. In my attempts to remain separate and pure, I have in some ways, lost certain friendships at work. I am sure what I am doing is far from perfect, but I struggle every day to make sense of what I should do, how I should behave, how I should deny myself, how I should glorify Christ. All these takes up effort, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And nights like this are the nights I feel exhausted from it all, and my want increases all the more exponentially.
Labouring for Christ in church is not an easy task either. Starting a new church, and labouring to see it grow little by little, is a task akin to raising a child from infancy. It is akin to living in an echo chamber. My work goes almost unnoticed, unseen. Progress is slow, and the results are hardly seen. Adding it on, in a conservative church in this day and age, few, even among Christians, understand the Reformed view that I adopt. It is drastically different from more modern churches. And yet fewer will want to come and listen and understand why I hold on to the beliefs that I stand in. Yet even more, is the absence of any peers in church. I am still the only person in my church who is my age. It is a difficult position to be in, having no one of my age, who shares similar experiences and frequency, yet having the same conviction to stay and grow the church, knowing that it's a calling God has brought, knowing with affirmation that the Reformed faith is worth preserving. My WhatsApp is filled with messages, yet these are rarely from friends speaking of lighter topics. It is a lot of church work, a lot of duty. The tedium emerging from my church work has taken its toll. It is many times droll, There is only silence.
In emptiness such as this, there are many moments where "give up" screams loudly inside me. Oh I know this is a spiritual battle, as much as it is an emotional battle. But I know I press on, for God gave up more for me. There are moments of victory, such as earlier this evening, where I shared a happy moment with Pastor over my pay raise. Indeed, I was giving glory to God that gave me assurance that He is the provider of everything, and everything that comes, comes from Him, my Jehovah-jireh.
In times like this, as I pine and desire, for specific persons, for persons yet unknown, as I turn to Him as my all-sufficiency, I still yet wait upon Him. When will my help come? || posted by Kuan Hui
My emotions today are the same as they were 1.5 years ago. I still pine, I still desire, to have that special connection, to have that acknowledgement. To be able to sit down and share my thoughts with a companion who will just listen and smile, and then nod her head in understanding. A companion who will point out laterally the thoughts that I am missing out on, ironing them out neatly and presenting it back to me in a way that tells me, "Hey, you already know all of this. But I'm here for you."
Walking the Christian path is not an easy route. In my attempts to remain separate and pure, I have in some ways, lost certain friendships at work. I am sure what I am doing is far from perfect, but I struggle every day to make sense of what I should do, how I should behave, how I should deny myself, how I should glorify Christ. All these takes up effort, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And nights like this are the nights I feel exhausted from it all, and my want increases all the more exponentially.
Labouring for Christ in church is not an easy task either. Starting a new church, and labouring to see it grow little by little, is a task akin to raising a child from infancy. It is akin to living in an echo chamber. My work goes almost unnoticed, unseen. Progress is slow, and the results are hardly seen. Adding it on, in a conservative church in this day and age, few, even among Christians, understand the Reformed view that I adopt. It is drastically different from more modern churches. And yet fewer will want to come and listen and understand why I hold on to the beliefs that I stand in. Yet even more, is the absence of any peers in church. I am still the only person in my church who is my age. It is a difficult position to be in, having no one of my age, who shares similar experiences and frequency, yet having the same conviction to stay and grow the church, knowing that it's a calling God has brought, knowing with affirmation that the Reformed faith is worth preserving. My WhatsApp is filled with messages, yet these are rarely from friends speaking of lighter topics. It is a lot of church work, a lot of duty. The tedium emerging from my church work has taken its toll. It is many times droll, There is only silence.
In emptiness such as this, there are many moments where "give up" screams loudly inside me. Oh I know this is a spiritual battle, as much as it is an emotional battle. But I know I press on, for God gave up more for me. There are moments of victory, such as earlier this evening, where I shared a happy moment with Pastor over my pay raise. Indeed, I was giving glory to God that gave me assurance that He is the provider of everything, and everything that comes, comes from Him, my Jehovah-jireh.
In times like this, as I pine and desire, for specific persons, for persons yet unknown, as I turn to Him as my all-sufficiency, I still yet wait upon Him. When will my help come? || posted by Kuan Hui
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