As I am pondering how to elucidate the many thoughts in my head, I see a brief flash of light at the side of my eye. The almost imperceptible low crack of thunder followed. It's a windy night today, one with a cool breeze that almost heralds a coming thunderstorm. And I am left here in the quiet of my room, the family and the TV playing outside, enjoying one of my most favourite times that a night can possibly give; the moments before a rain storm. Though the rain probably wouldn't come any time soon, this feeling of quiet anticipation has been since my childhood, one of the most special, mainly because it brings about a time of reflection, a sense of urgency to complete all my tasks so that I can bask in the cool weather and the start of the rain, it gives a sense of security against a storm, even as I sit quietly in my room.

I had previously thought of penning down my feelings over the past week, but the inner turbulence in my heart made me decide not to, until perhaps the emotions had settled down to a more dormant state. You see, I had just been through a long week with many emotional ups and downs, yet knowing that nothing has been truly resolved yet.

Sunday and Monday afforded me a spiritual high, a deep message that God had for me. The message spoke deepest into my heart, because for the past two weeks or so I have been angry, irritable, and unhappy. I was frustrated, tired, fatigued. All the effort that I had put into my church, and all my decisions to help the growth of the church, sacrificing my time, and especially the special moments with my friends, all these seemed to have not been rewarded. Instead I was tasked with yet more work, more tiring burdens with no end in sight. I asked God, "Why give me more?" "Do you not know I am tired? Do you not know that I have my own emotional needs too, and that I have exhausted my capacity to do more?" "Why have my deepest prayers not been answered, even after two years?" "The things that I pine for, have they not only increased in intensity over the years, like a hunger growing steadily stronger." I was in need of a break, I was in need of the thing I desired the most, yet nothing seemed to work. So God spoke, and He spoke to me that understanding Him was not from the head, but from the heart. I needed to return to Him and see Him for His unfailing promises. The Lord showed me Psalm 119, and it was an exhortation that I should read it in depth, because the psalmist was in the same situation as me, and at the end of the psalm, nothing had been solved! He was still in the same dire situation as before. Yet he rejoiced, and rested in peace, for his heart posture was towards God, learning upon Him even closer and trusting in His promises. So Monday I passionately shared about God's mercy in BSF. I knew God had propped me up once again through His message which He has specially prepared for me.

Yet I knew my heart wasn't fully satisfied. The hunger pangs were still here, I still pined the same. Perhaps even made worse by the bad Tuesday I had. I was crunched at work, too many sudden requests, prompting me to do unfamiliar work and taking up too much time. Of course I ended up in a meeting unprepared, and promptly was told off afterwards. There was a part of me who felt I could do more, perhaps even prepared for the meeting, but it was already too late then. So, irritated that I did not do my best, I went to meet an old friend for dinner. This schoolmate of mine, had always been an intelligent and charismatic person. But he made bad choices in his late teens and early twenties. He had probably lost almost all his old friends by the time the mid twenties rolled by. We all knew about it, for someone who spoke so smoothly, we could not tell if he was being true. Most of the time it felt like he was masking something, hiding the truth behind a more beautiful facade. Yet on Tuesday, I sensed something different. The subtle arrogance that he used to display was greatly diminished, and he was more genuine and sincere than I had known him the past 12 years or so. It felt like I returned to the old secondary school days, where there was little reason to hide the truth. I did not expect him to apologise for what he had done all these years, but I was glad, very glad that such an old friend had changed for the better. And although only time will tell what will happen, I can only pray that he remains sincere to those around him.

So that dinner was positive, it was a bright spot in what would be a mostly gloomy few weeks. Today's been the day I'd finally had some time to myself, to quieten down and listen to my thoughts, to spill them out in like manner, and to take stock of what must needs be done. What of the state of my heart tonight? I still pine greatly, and I see not much chance or hope in this pining. Yet these intense emotions will not go away. So, even now as my emotions are in a state of twilight, a state akin to the coming of the storm, a state of anticipation, knowing that the future result will be in failure, a death sentence of sorts, yet there is this hope in God. That He will bring me through this all, protect me from (most of) the pain that will come, and maybe, just maybe, grant me my heart's desire, just like the parable of the importunate widow.

And with that, I shall finally begin to study Psalm 119, for it echoes my current state. Lord, deliver thy servant! || posted by Kuan Hui