Stepped into 2017 with the same feelings of loneliness since two years ago. The same old emotions of want come about in the night as always, and they are a troubled mixture of disappointment of self, disappointment of her, and anger. It is at times like this I pine for what is missing, I lament the futility of my efforts to win her heart. I am greatly disappointed at myself for being unable to manage my own feelings and protect my heart better. I am greatly disappointed that after all these years, and all the things I do, I could barely touch the surface of her heart. I am greatly disappointed that she has regressed in her Christian walk, getting overwhelmed by the vanities of the world, and failing to see what is truly of value.

I am indeed still frustrated, and would like nothing more than reciprocation. In my state of loneliness, I have no one but God to turn to. No one but God to share my daily experiences with. My highlights and lowlights of the day are all but kept in my mind, unable to find someone whom I can share with comfortably. Maybe this is better that I do not share my daily experiences with you, so that I won't pine and like you any further, but the pain of loneliness is too great to bear. I am scared, and I dearly and desperately want to share my thoughts and feelings to you. Yet I cannot, and this chokes the colour and happiness out of me.

Life on earth truly is vanity, with man I am disappointed so much. So I ask, Lord, how long more will You let me wait before You rescue me from my troubles? I have asked this in 2014, I have asked this in 2015, I have asked this in 2016, yet now as 2017 has arrived, I have seen only silence and more silence. Lord, how long more? This pain is too great to bear. || posted by Kuan Hui