Wednesday, January 3, 2018
It's been a while since I last posted here. Much has happened, much has changed. It's already 2018, but it is good to take stock of 2017, in all the glory of its ups and downs that it has for me.
I don't wish to hide my deepest thoughts anymore. It is something which I have kept hidden for a long time, never directly alluding to it as I type out these posts, but it's time I lay them all here, for introspection, and to come face to face with it.
Ever since you told me I was charming back in September 2014, I have always kept those words special to me. You found that part of me when we did the Avelife competition for primary school. And truly I felt the same that day. I don't know why, perhaps it was a lack of sleep, but that day you became special to me. In all these years A, we went through many ups and downs, many shared experiences. These all were, and still are precious to me. It was quality time to me, special time, special experiences that forged a friendship, perhaps even more. Do you remember the many late night suppers? Do you remember the times when we were dead broke and had to borrow from each other? Do you remember the times we both prayed for ourselves, and for each other, for faith, and for provision? Do you remember us sitting down somewhere along Lim Ah Pin Road, late at night, just two of us beside the old rickety van, figuring out what to do with our lives and what the future holds. And then there was the Avelife project part two, bin designs. We struggled to make the best out of the limited resources we had, and huge lack of support. We wanted to get it all over and done with, but yet not disappoint the younger kids. Thankfully that wasn't all for naught, perhaps we got a few of them to be happy, it was better than nothing.
Work started, and many things changed. We did argue and disagree with each other many times throughout the years. Each of our views we held dearly, both of us strong-headed, and unwilling to give way, for it did mean changing our values. And work changed us. Perhaps you more than myself. And here you are, three plus years on, so different from the person you once were. I miss that simple you, where you looked to God so much more often, trusted in His provision, and had more strength to struggle against the glitter of this world; the money, the prestige, the comfort, the status. Yea, you were much stronger than. And if I have any prayer, it is for you to remember that, and return to those simple times.
Who would willingly lend such a sum of money over, other than it being a matter of trust? To me, stewardship and planning of the future is important to me, and they still are. And it was not easy for me to lend you that sum, though right now I am okay with parting with it, it does hurt to see or perceive my value in stewardship of my resources being so lightly regarded. Do you also remember the night we stayed up to work on the interview questions? I remember many, because they are precious to me.
Conversations with you were both a joy and a sorrow. It was pleasant, very pleasant listening to your stories and thoughts, very comforting to hear you want to know my day as well. It was a sorrow because there are many times I cannot express myself well, or perhaps, things were misunderstood, as they often were. Perhaps we weren't perfectly in the same frequency after all. But again, two strong-headed people. I had to think and overthink, but yet my replies to you did not convey my message properly, and it came with negative responses. Responses that I didn't want to hear, or didn't intend to create. There was a fear, tiptoeing through the tulips, no doubt. I wanted to voice out and tell you I disagree, please listen and be less stubborn. But it was too hard, too impossible. We were already too close, taking each other for granted, and expecting too much out of each other.
And then I said let's stop talking for a while. We stopped, over two months. It was a low for me. A deep low in 2017. I barely had anyone to turn to, but God. Prayer was solace, and deliverance. And yet it was excruciatingly tough. And you know the amazing thing about faith and God is that He can use it for good. And somehow I managed to speak and share with passion on love, Biblical love, in BSF. What better a book than John?
We started speaking again, but alas, now we've drifted one too far. The 4-year journey that we have both taken, finally reaches this point. Sometimes I wonder what you do think of all these memories. Perhaps you have a different response to it. Perhaps it touches you in a different way than it has for me. But I have to say, this was and still is important to me, these are my precious memories which I hold dear, all in its ups and downs.
And at the close of 2017, somehow I found peace. I am at my most peaceful I have been since before 2013. Yes, since before K. Do I still wish you replied more? Of course! Do I still get frustrated when you don't? Yes of course! Do I know that you are busy? Yes! But of course I always know, if one puts in the effort things will be different. So today in 2018, we stand as friends, so close to each other, yet so different. You changed more than I did, of course the older you was better, more godly. And I continue to pray for that you to return, not because it suits me more (well partly yes), but more importantly because that is true investment for eternity, not for the temporal things of the world.
Your work ethic still inspires me, and scares me. It is one borne out of insane endurance which in my life I can only count with one hand those who have similar levels of stamina. Imagine if that was used in God's service! But it is worrying because it affects health, in the future if not now.
And looking back at all these times, and this 2017, I found a peace. It's not perfect, but it is still God's provision. He hasn't failed me even through so many years of ups and downs, a literal 4.5 year emotional rollercoaster. It has matured me, taught me to love more, taught me to be more patient, and yet I am so deficient and inadequate. There's just so much more to grow. Thank God for pain, thank God for pleasure, thank God for carrying me through 2017. || posted by Kuan Hui
I don't wish to hide my deepest thoughts anymore. It is something which I have kept hidden for a long time, never directly alluding to it as I type out these posts, but it's time I lay them all here, for introspection, and to come face to face with it.
Ever since you told me I was charming back in September 2014, I have always kept those words special to me. You found that part of me when we did the Avelife competition for primary school. And truly I felt the same that day. I don't know why, perhaps it was a lack of sleep, but that day you became special to me. In all these years A, we went through many ups and downs, many shared experiences. These all were, and still are precious to me. It was quality time to me, special time, special experiences that forged a friendship, perhaps even more. Do you remember the many late night suppers? Do you remember the times when we were dead broke and had to borrow from each other? Do you remember the times we both prayed for ourselves, and for each other, for faith, and for provision? Do you remember us sitting down somewhere along Lim Ah Pin Road, late at night, just two of us beside the old rickety van, figuring out what to do with our lives and what the future holds. And then there was the Avelife project part two, bin designs. We struggled to make the best out of the limited resources we had, and huge lack of support. We wanted to get it all over and done with, but yet not disappoint the younger kids. Thankfully that wasn't all for naught, perhaps we got a few of them to be happy, it was better than nothing.
Work started, and many things changed. We did argue and disagree with each other many times throughout the years. Each of our views we held dearly, both of us strong-headed, and unwilling to give way, for it did mean changing our values. And work changed us. Perhaps you more than myself. And here you are, three plus years on, so different from the person you once were. I miss that simple you, where you looked to God so much more often, trusted in His provision, and had more strength to struggle against the glitter of this world; the money, the prestige, the comfort, the status. Yea, you were much stronger than. And if I have any prayer, it is for you to remember that, and return to those simple times.
Who would willingly lend such a sum of money over, other than it being a matter of trust? To me, stewardship and planning of the future is important to me, and they still are. And it was not easy for me to lend you that sum, though right now I am okay with parting with it, it does hurt to see or perceive my value in stewardship of my resources being so lightly regarded. Do you also remember the night we stayed up to work on the interview questions? I remember many, because they are precious to me.
Conversations with you were both a joy and a sorrow. It was pleasant, very pleasant listening to your stories and thoughts, very comforting to hear you want to know my day as well. It was a sorrow because there are many times I cannot express myself well, or perhaps, things were misunderstood, as they often were. Perhaps we weren't perfectly in the same frequency after all. But again, two strong-headed people. I had to think and overthink, but yet my replies to you did not convey my message properly, and it came with negative responses. Responses that I didn't want to hear, or didn't intend to create. There was a fear, tiptoeing through the tulips, no doubt. I wanted to voice out and tell you I disagree, please listen and be less stubborn. But it was too hard, too impossible. We were already too close, taking each other for granted, and expecting too much out of each other.
And then I said let's stop talking for a while. We stopped, over two months. It was a low for me. A deep low in 2017. I barely had anyone to turn to, but God. Prayer was solace, and deliverance. And yet it was excruciatingly tough. And you know the amazing thing about faith and God is that He can use it for good. And somehow I managed to speak and share with passion on love, Biblical love, in BSF. What better a book than John?
We started speaking again, but alas, now we've drifted one too far. The 4-year journey that we have both taken, finally reaches this point. Sometimes I wonder what you do think of all these memories. Perhaps you have a different response to it. Perhaps it touches you in a different way than it has for me. But I have to say, this was and still is important to me, these are my precious memories which I hold dear, all in its ups and downs.
And at the close of 2017, somehow I found peace. I am at my most peaceful I have been since before 2013. Yes, since before K. Do I still wish you replied more? Of course! Do I still get frustrated when you don't? Yes of course! Do I know that you are busy? Yes! But of course I always know, if one puts in the effort things will be different. So today in 2018, we stand as friends, so close to each other, yet so different. You changed more than I did, of course the older you was better, more godly. And I continue to pray for that you to return, not because it suits me more (well partly yes), but more importantly because that is true investment for eternity, not for the temporal things of the world.
Your work ethic still inspires me, and scares me. It is one borne out of insane endurance which in my life I can only count with one hand those who have similar levels of stamina. Imagine if that was used in God's service! But it is worrying because it affects health, in the future if not now.
And looking back at all these times, and this 2017, I found a peace. It's not perfect, but it is still God's provision. He hasn't failed me even through so many years of ups and downs, a literal 4.5 year emotional rollercoaster. It has matured me, taught me to love more, taught me to be more patient, and yet I am so deficient and inadequate. There's just so much more to grow. Thank God for pain, thank God for pleasure, thank God for carrying me through 2017. || posted by Kuan Hui
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