There are seasons in life where the waiting just continues. And the longer the wait, the darker the night becomes.

Awaiting for that special someone gradually turns into a questioning of the priorities behind it, and the utter realisation that what I am waiting for is an illusion. Behind the ecstasy of the highs of infatuation and reciprocation, are the many mundane days of slog, waiting, and boredom. Worse still, the frustrations of disagreements, and being unable to see eye to eye with each other. "Why cant she see it from my point of view?" "Did I make a mistake choosing her?" "What wrong have I done?"

Love does not ignore the mundane, the quarrels, and the frustration. Love looks at it dead on, in spite of all the pain, and chooses to cover the pain with humility, patience, kindness. Love is no fairytale high, at least not on this mortal plane. That, I have discovered, and am willing to accept the reality of life.

And with that realisation, came shattered dreams. 14 February 2018, hope came crashing down. I entered into a quarter-life crisis, questioning to this day what my goal is in this life. If the pain over the almost 5 years before that day was bad, it was nothing compared to the pain, depression, and despondency I've been through the last 6 months. Maybe this is looking at the slightly rose-tinted hind-glasses and figuring out that the pain wasn't so bad after all.

Nonetheless, the last 6 months was difficult, and to this day remains so. A lack of sleep, a constant weight of pressure on the heart, emotional depression, anger against God, fear against God. A lack of hope for the future. I do not hope this on my worst enemies.

And yet in these moments, God shattered my pride and broke me down with humility. I was a Pharisee, a proud one. I had my ego and thought I was better than others. It was a terrible mask to own, one that I could no longer keep up with. Down came more masks, that I am a "good person", doing things out of love, when I was keeping up an image. And still new difficulties came.

You know, the funny thing was that life the past 4.5 years flew me by quickly. I hadn't learnt much, as if I was cruising and on autopilot, hoping for that loved one to come. It was tough indeed, those days, but the last 6 months, time had passed by excruciatingly slowly. Maybe now I am truly learning in the classroom of God: to be really trained in His gymnasium where pain continually comes. Loss of sleep, dragging my feet to work (work still sucks at the moment by the way), dragging my feet to church (because I was and still sometimes am angry at God, feels like a betrayal), the many long moments in my room in frustrated prayer, looking up at the air-con unit praying, kneeling down, sitting down in fatigue crying out. And out of all that? Silence.

My prayers were answered with silence, only more crosses came to discourage. What was I about to learn now? After humility, came understanding the nature of faith. Faith becomes more real in moments of despair. And with that, I am still in the middle of the woods, with no visible light in sight. What is next now as my frustrations continue, and time remains dilated? I have an inkling it is trust. I'm sure God is telling me, "Now that you have started to learn humility and faith, I am going to put you through the test, to learn how to trust Me in everything in your life. Your church life, your work life, your love life, your social life, your personal time, and your rest. Give it all to me wholeheartedly, and I will show you the beauty of My promises and my blessings to you."

And so, in moments of clarity and self-encouragement in God like this as I am typing this out. I have to go through all this with vigour. Reading God's word, understanding the power of His freeing grace and love, praying and talking to Him. How I wish though, that the pain be taken for me, because daily I still get frustrated, I still get depressed. It continues to be as myself climbing up an oil-slicked slope. And that is no fun at all, especially when you've tried so much, and you're tired, battered, and all ready to give up. But somehow there's always that voice there, that still small voice, compelling me to continue on.

To A: my feelings for you, I'm trying to turn them from infatuation to love. And I pray that I continue succeeding in them. To love is to let go. And in this case, letting it go to God, God who knows best and wants the best, must be the best. || posted by Kuan Hui