Reflections 2018
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
My last post here was in the beginning of August in 2018. Much has changed since then, and its once again time for the annual post where I take stock of the year.
2018 has possibly been the toughest year for me. Many things came to a crunch; frustrations at work, the disappointment of not getting the pay that was promised, but only given the reason that after the 3-year Graduate Program that I've just reached the starting line of my career (at least come up with a better reason than that!), church troubles, relationship troubles.
Career issues, as much as they are not the most critical, still matter. It's normal to want to do more to progress upwards and to have a goal: both in progression and in advancing the company. When none are in sight, it feels as if I'm running on a treadmill, going fast and getting more and more tired but getting nowhere. After a tough 2018, the problems still remain, but out of it all I've slowly learnt how to negotiate. Negotiation is really all about empathy and reading emotions, and learning how to say no in a way that makes sense for everybody. I grew in the confidence I could handle difficult suppliers and tougher management, trying to see what the top brass sees. Through the frustration and mundaneness of work, I grew in my experience. In work, I found new brothers, brothers in Christ who walked and helped me on my way, who taught me that advice from older folk must be discerned carefully and not every word that any individual says, no matter how wise or well-intentioned they may be, is profitable. I found brothers who inspired me with their interactions with their friends and families, showing genuine love that can only be borne out of Christ, and a resilience that comes from trusting that God is the One that gives grace and strength. Work was difficult, but among the thorns, there are still the roses.
Church troubles came to a culmination this year. Leaving the BP church was probably the best decision God has led me to this year. The five years I've spent there taught me much knowledge on theology, and also taught me the holiness and justice of God. Yet it didn't teach me sufficiently the true spirit of love and the freedom that Christ gave when He died for me on the cross. This freedom which He bought for me, having chosen me from before the foundation of the world meant that I am truly free from ALL the Law, that I can indeed choose to sin freely and still be saved to eternal life when I believe that Christ is my Lord and my Saviour. Because it is ALL His Work, ALL His Righteousness, ALL His Love, ALL His Grace. What an amazing foundational truth that I did not understand before! What a truth that allows me to turn back and say, "I choose not to sin because I want to love You back for what You have done for me! And not because I am obliged to do so." (Romans 6:1-2).
It is this fundamental truth that had the Reformer Martin Luther say (to Jerome Weller) that "We, whom the devil thus seeks to annoy, should remove the whole Decalogue (Ten Commandments) from our hearts and minds." Because the Christian walk is not an uptight walk in keeping the Law (we will fail anyway), but a free walk in the love of Christ (because we will fall anyway)! This was what the BP church taught me wrongly, unfortunately, in its bid to want to uphold a holy living, it forgot that the whole motivation should rest on faith that Christ loves me and will give me the grace to persevere.
To be honest there is still a part of me which I find bitter against my previous church. Because undoubtedly, I will be blamed for "backsliding" and "falling away", for "compromising", all of which I confidently disagree with! And also because I do feel wronged against, especially as it feels that I have "lost" so much precious time being an uptight person for the last five years. But God be praised, this path that God led me through, was for a reason, a very rare reason today (because most churches swing too liberally rather than too being too legalistic), that I may know how to trust Christ, and apply all the theological knowledge that I have gotten (I learnt a lot in the BP church!) into my heart and to help others in love. And that continues to be a struggle each day, but a good struggle in my walk with Christ.
Relationship issues have been a main issue for me, evidenced by the blog posts I have written the last five years. God has seen fit not to provide a partner for me all these years, for reasons which I cannot fully understand. In fact it has been rejection after rejection, roadblock after roadblock, and when all these issues culminate, it pushed me to question the meaning of life, the futility of it all, how even with a wife there will be so much painful work; to maintain the career, to upkeep the house, to keep relationships. There is indeed no rest, and nothing new under the sun, as attested by the Preacher in Ecclesiastes. True joy, as I have only recently begun to taste (Psalm 34), comes only in the Lord, in trusting Him and letting everything go to Him. It means taking life less seriously, trusting in God instead, it means looking to Him and building that relationship with Him.
It was indeed very disappointing that E didn't work out, given how comfortable we were with each other. And indeed the wait continues, frustratingly so sometimes, because it feels as if my life is directionless. To which I have to remind myself to cast my requests and worries to God, trusting that He will take care of me.
Life has not been easy on me in 2018, but in 2018 I have seen God very clearly through the endless nights of crying in prayer, pleading with the Lord. I never knew failure could be this painful, and I never knew how much I needed to be humbled by God (and still do). I never knew how much I needed to rely on Him instead of myself for all matters, and I never knew how much God loves me.
So here I am, at the end of 2018 and at the start of 2019, thankful that God has brought me down to this valley so I can see Him, and thankful that God has brought me out of it, for the last 3 months of the year I would have never imagined it to run so well. Most of the problems still remain, but God has sent many a church family to teach me this simple love borne out of His grace and mercy. And I am grateful to God for it all.
As I look to 2019, I am fearful, because who would want to face such great pain again? I surely do not, but I am also comforted because I know I have a God who loves me and protects me, He will surely carry me through all the troubles as He promised, always.
To God be the glory, amen! || posted by Kuan Hui
2018 has possibly been the toughest year for me. Many things came to a crunch; frustrations at work, the disappointment of not getting the pay that was promised, but only given the reason that after the 3-year Graduate Program that I've just reached the starting line of my career (at least come up with a better reason than that!), church troubles, relationship troubles.
Career issues, as much as they are not the most critical, still matter. It's normal to want to do more to progress upwards and to have a goal: both in progression and in advancing the company. When none are in sight, it feels as if I'm running on a treadmill, going fast and getting more and more tired but getting nowhere. After a tough 2018, the problems still remain, but out of it all I've slowly learnt how to negotiate. Negotiation is really all about empathy and reading emotions, and learning how to say no in a way that makes sense for everybody. I grew in the confidence I could handle difficult suppliers and tougher management, trying to see what the top brass sees. Through the frustration and mundaneness of work, I grew in my experience. In work, I found new brothers, brothers in Christ who walked and helped me on my way, who taught me that advice from older folk must be discerned carefully and not every word that any individual says, no matter how wise or well-intentioned they may be, is profitable. I found brothers who inspired me with their interactions with their friends and families, showing genuine love that can only be borne out of Christ, and a resilience that comes from trusting that God is the One that gives grace and strength. Work was difficult, but among the thorns, there are still the roses.
Church troubles came to a culmination this year. Leaving the BP church was probably the best decision God has led me to this year. The five years I've spent there taught me much knowledge on theology, and also taught me the holiness and justice of God. Yet it didn't teach me sufficiently the true spirit of love and the freedom that Christ gave when He died for me on the cross. This freedom which He bought for me, having chosen me from before the foundation of the world meant that I am truly free from ALL the Law, that I can indeed choose to sin freely and still be saved to eternal life when I believe that Christ is my Lord and my Saviour. Because it is ALL His Work, ALL His Righteousness, ALL His Love, ALL His Grace. What an amazing foundational truth that I did not understand before! What a truth that allows me to turn back and say, "I choose not to sin because I want to love You back for what You have done for me! And not because I am obliged to do so." (Romans 6:1-2).
It is this fundamental truth that had the Reformer Martin Luther say (to Jerome Weller) that "We, whom the devil thus seeks to annoy, should remove the whole Decalogue (Ten Commandments) from our hearts and minds." Because the Christian walk is not an uptight walk in keeping the Law (we will fail anyway), but a free walk in the love of Christ (because we will fall anyway)! This was what the BP church taught me wrongly, unfortunately, in its bid to want to uphold a holy living, it forgot that the whole motivation should rest on faith that Christ loves me and will give me the grace to persevere.
To be honest there is still a part of me which I find bitter against my previous church. Because undoubtedly, I will be blamed for "backsliding" and "falling away", for "compromising", all of which I confidently disagree with! And also because I do feel wronged against, especially as it feels that I have "lost" so much precious time being an uptight person for the last five years. But God be praised, this path that God led me through, was for a reason, a very rare reason today (because most churches swing too liberally rather than too being too legalistic), that I may know how to trust Christ, and apply all the theological knowledge that I have gotten (I learnt a lot in the BP church!) into my heart and to help others in love. And that continues to be a struggle each day, but a good struggle in my walk with Christ.
Relationship issues have been a main issue for me, evidenced by the blog posts I have written the last five years. God has seen fit not to provide a partner for me all these years, for reasons which I cannot fully understand. In fact it has been rejection after rejection, roadblock after roadblock, and when all these issues culminate, it pushed me to question the meaning of life, the futility of it all, how even with a wife there will be so much painful work; to maintain the career, to upkeep the house, to keep relationships. There is indeed no rest, and nothing new under the sun, as attested by the Preacher in Ecclesiastes. True joy, as I have only recently begun to taste (Psalm 34), comes only in the Lord, in trusting Him and letting everything go to Him. It means taking life less seriously, trusting in God instead, it means looking to Him and building that relationship with Him.
It was indeed very disappointing that E didn't work out, given how comfortable we were with each other. And indeed the wait continues, frustratingly so sometimes, because it feels as if my life is directionless. To which I have to remind myself to cast my requests and worries to God, trusting that He will take care of me.
Life has not been easy on me in 2018, but in 2018 I have seen God very clearly through the endless nights of crying in prayer, pleading with the Lord. I never knew failure could be this painful, and I never knew how much I needed to be humbled by God (and still do). I never knew how much I needed to rely on Him instead of myself for all matters, and I never knew how much God loves me.
So here I am, at the end of 2018 and at the start of 2019, thankful that God has brought me down to this valley so I can see Him, and thankful that God has brought me out of it, for the last 3 months of the year I would have never imagined it to run so well. Most of the problems still remain, but God has sent many a church family to teach me this simple love borne out of His grace and mercy. And I am grateful to God for it all.
As I look to 2019, I am fearful, because who would want to face such great pain again? I surely do not, but I am also comforted because I know I have a God who loves me and protects me, He will surely carry me through all the troubles as He promised, always.
To God be the glory, amen! || posted by Kuan Hui
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